At 7 I aspired to be an artist.“
All artists are poor! Try something else.”
At 14 I aspired to be a world-class cricket player
“Chinese don’t play cricket, you’re so good at math but!”
At 21 I aspired to be a pro e-sports player
“Why are you wasting your best years on a dumb video game”
At 28 I wore a suit, sat in meetings, and perfected my elevator talk
“You’re living the dream life Mat! All that hard work has finally paid off!”
We spend our entire lives listening to others, how to act, how to behave, and how to please anyone and everyone but ourselves.
As children, all we wanted was to grow up as fast as possible so that WE could finally be in the driver’s seat.
But somewhere down the line, our curious imagination, lofty dreams, and heroic aspirations get beaten into submission.
Like clay being moulded by the iron hands of culture, customs, and cookie-cutter templates of what it means to live “The Good Life”.
Before you know it:
You’re “educated” with a useless degree, tens of thousands in student debt, working at a job you hate, for people you don’t give a shit about, just so you can pay off the trail of bad decisions that got you there in the first place.
Follow the trail long enough, and we’re knocking on the door of our mid-life crisis, rather than the freedom we dreamt of as children.
So what’s the deal? How did we end up here and how do we avoid a life of meaningless misery?
Let’s dive right in.
Conforming to the masses: The blind leading the blind
I want to be 100% clear that there is absolutely nothing wrong with conforming, in fact, it is absolutely necessary for our survival.
We couldn’t have advanced as a species for thousands of years if everyone adopted the “up yours” mentality. To be the singular outcast of the tribe in caveman terms, would be a death sentence.
The problem is not conformance itself but conforming without question.
The day you stop asking questions is the day you stop getting answers. When you stop searching for solutions to your problems you subliminally outsource your thinking to the masses by nature of human imitation.
Think about it, every time you’ve gone with the status quo without question, something as little as:
“Excuse me” after a loud burp, or “Good, how are you?” out of politeness.
Regardless if they’re for good or bad, the point is every single behavioural automation, is a representation of a culmination of societal “thou shalt”.
With the weight of the world upon your shoulders, like stacks of straw willingly burdened, you trudge on until your feet can bear it no longer. Then, everything comes crashing down, leaving you with nothing but the existential crisis that was born the day you ceased to question.
“All these heaviest things the spirit that would bear much takes upon itself: like the camel, that, when laden, hastens into the desert, so speeds the spirit into its desert” – Friedrich Nietzsche
We conform to survive, but we were born to thrive.
If I waved a magic wand and gave you unlimited access to everything you needed to survive for the rest of your life:
- Food
- Water
- Shelter
- Money
- Clean air
- Resources
- Sexual Access
- Etc.
What would you do? What would your end game look like?
Really, take a moment to seriously think about this.
Would you be basking in the sun in one of your 14 mansions, after returning from your 80th world tour, cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other?
Dostoevsky doesn’t think so, and I tend to agree:
“Shower on him every blessing, drown him in a sea of happiness, give him economic prosperity such that he should have nothing else to do but sleep, eat cakes, and busy himself with the continuation of the species, and even then, out of sheer ingratitude, sheer spite, man would play you some nasty trick.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky
You’d burn it all down just so SOMETHING, ANYTHING would happen. I know I would.
There’s a reason lottery winners don’t move the global happiness index (I just made that up) even a single inch after hitting the jackpot.
There’s only so many times you can do lines off a stripper before it too, becomes a bore.
You were born to thrive.
To thrive is to walk in the shoes of your higher self, “Higher” implies an uphill climb with no summit, an evolution with no final stage, an endless journey with no destination.
Thus the key to happiness can be derived from the love of play rather than the game itself.
I could write an entire essay on this but I’ll simplify with some cool words that’ll paint the picture with a broad stroke:
Self-expression, Self-becoming, Self-overcoming.
The keyword here is “Self.”
The Power of Solitude: The Path of Meaning
“Meaning” is to ascribe truth.
Just like how your first-ever crumpled-up baseball card is “meaningful” to you, you gave it a certain truth, a divine significance nobody in the universe can take from you.
To live meaningfully is to live truthfully, your truth, no one else’s. (We’re entering some deep philosophical waters here but bear with me).
True self-discovery can only be explored in states of solitude, to reflect upon the inner voice that conditions our life, which up until now, has been the product of the collective common conscience we call society.
i) Solitude is a shield from the masses
“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates
What old mate Socrates meant by this famous quote, is that deep introspection & contemplation are essential to living a life of meaning, purpose, and fulfilment.
By blindly following the pack, letting the waves take you wherever they take you, and allowing the masses to define who you are, what your worth is, and what your role is, are you no different from a performance animal in a circus?
States of solitude act as a shield from the masses, a third-person view of the world, a lens of discernment, a choir of one performing to the tune of your life’s purpose.
ii) Solitude is an ultimatum for change
Nothing changes if nothing changes (a mind-blowing concept I know). We never change or “move” without a strong incentive or situation that compels us.
Think about it, when was the last time you were alone, completely bored out of your mind, no phone, no internet, no people, no distractions?
I bet after the 82nd hour you’d be pretty motivated to do something. Solitude presents us with an ultimatum for change, an opportunity to evolve.
Something that would never make it on the menu within the comforts of our cubicles and our love for designer-label handcuffs.
iii) Solitude builds character
[Gaming analogy time]
When you start a new game, one of the first things you do is build your very own character.
You give it a name, a race, big lips, big muscles, whatever floats your boat. Now let me ask you:
Would you EVER let someone else build YOUR character in your game?
No, you wouldn’t.
That would make it their character, defeating the entire purpose of it all.
Solitude allows us to build our character, on a grander scale, without the pervasive hands of society.
iv) Solitude presents a longing for a “higher” community
One of the most influential forces that control our lives is the people we surround ourselves with. Everybody has heard the phrase “You are who you’re with” or some variation of it.
If you’re with people who bitch & moan 24/7, drown their sorrows at the pub every Friday, and blackout at the clubs every Saturday – it’s safe to assume you’re one of them.
Embracing our solitude doesn’t mean we live like a hermit meditating under waterfalls, but by retreating in our solitude every so often, we “clean” ourselves of the bad habitual hygiene that inevitably comes with losing ourselves in the crowd.
v) Solitude bestows the love of life (& oneself)
You often hear people say “Love yourself”, “Accept who you are”, or “Just be yourself” in an attempt to make you feel better when you’re down.
I get the gesture behind it but here’s my issue…
What if you are genuinely a sub-optimal, mediocre, miserable specimen – are you supposed to just lie down and accept your shortcomings as it is?
This might come off as cold but the truth isn’t supposed to feel warm & fuzzy.
If you’ve:
i) Strategically shielded yourself from outside noise,
ii) Answered your ultimatum to be better,
iii) Built your character with your own two hands,
iv) And have been selective with whom you hang out,
Then how could you NOT come to truly love yourself as an individual and thus life itself?
How to go from feeling lonely to being your true self
I am well aware that everything on paper is easier said than done, solitude (whether voluntary or involuntary) without the right mindset can lead to a downward spiral of loneliness, isolation, and seclusion.
To wrap up, I’d like to present a simple process (5 steps) that I have personally used, and will continue to use, whenever the 3 AM despair bugs come out to play (and trust me, they will).
We are human after all.
1) Embrace being alone
Perspective is everything.
You are always a 1-degree perspective shift away, from knocking on the gates of hell to strolling in the kingdom of heaven.
This may seem like hippie advice, “Just think positively dudeee”, but in a way, I am saying just that.
Unwavering faith that there is always light at the end of the tunnel no matter how f*cked your situation may seem, is the birthplace of everything good that exists.
2) Say no to say yes
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make when “going their own way” is their inability to graduate from the condemnation of the masses.
“Curse you world for programming me like this!”
We are not in the business of casting stones at the walls of society for all of our problems – far from it.
We say no to:
- Fake personas
- People pleasing
- Validation seeking
Not out of spite, malice, or resentment, we do it SO that we can let out a cheerful “Yes!”, an affirmation of life.
Like an empty canvas that can finally be filled with colours, scenery, style, strokes, and spirit that YOU have chosen.
So that others can relish in the unique beauty when you decide to come out of your solitude, on full display.
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
3) Act your ideal, now
Your vision is a prerequisite for your achievement, but a dream without subsequent action will remain just that, a dream.
You must act as if all your desires have already been fulfilled. If your painting is a superhero overlooking his city, then that is how you must think, feel, & act.
Fake it til you make it, make mistakes, go through epic failures, laugh at yourself, and do everything without judgment.
The first time you rode a bike, spelled out your own name or rhymed the alphabet, I bet you sucked terribly, but did that stop you from mastering them eventually?
No, so give yourself a break and keep at it.
4) Check-in regularly: Affirm the good
Every step so far has been vital, but the final step is the glue that holds everything together.
The supreme law of the universe is the law of entropy, or the “shit gets worse over time without effort”.
You must make a conscious effort to inject mental energy into your lifelong endeavours.
Block out 30 minutes a week, grab a pen & paper, and dedicate yourself to re-affirming and re-aligning your vision, mission, & goals.
Persistence will transfer over to habit, and habit will become as automatic as breathing air.
I hope this article serves you as well as it has served me. Thank you for reading.
— Mat Do
